Thursday, August 13th, 2009
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2:10 pm - Twist on Common Dream Theme
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You know that dream where you discover you are naked or radically under-dressed in public? Last night I dreamt I was riding a bus with a friend and suddenly he was naked. He was very freaked. I stood up in the bus aisle and asked if someone had anything to help out my friend -- a blanket maybe? A guy towards the back took off a longish coat, passed it forward through several hands, and my friend was much more comfy.
!!!
current mood:  amused
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Sunday, August 9th, 2009
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12:55 pm - Of Kayaks And Mud
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A friend of mine suggested we go to the 5th Annual Duwamish River Festival. Having no idea what this event is but knowing it wasn't gonna be 100F, I went.
It was a cute little festival, with children doing traditional Spanish dances on a stage, a guy making ballo0n animals, a dunk tank, and free but pretty burnt hot dogs.
Some folks who give kayak tours brought about six of them and let people sign for free. Holly and I put our names down for the first batch. When we headed for the river with our kayak, we discovered we had chosen a bad spot. Mud is expected, sinking in almost to my knees was a surprise. I was giggling and tugging and having a heck of a time getting my legs pulled out again.
We then did a happy little paddle for about an hour. I haven't been in a kayak before and Holly said I got the right balances almost instantly. A blue heron took off almost directly over our heads, looking more like a dinosaur than a bird.
We came back to shore at a slightly less muddy spot. So, when I went down on my butt while pulling in the kayak, I was only in mud about 3 inches deep. As Holly fussed over whether I'd hurt myself and I howled with laughter, I remembered the dunk tank.
The dunk tank did a VERY nice job of getting the mud off me.
current mood: cheerful
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Thursday, July 30th, 2009
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12:43 pm - WTH Happened to Me?!
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I've had periodic struggles with depression since before I knew what the word meant. Yoga, meditation, counseling, exercise, light boxes, anti-depressants, and so on -- all of those things helped. However, a few years ago I fell into the black hole in a big way.
For maybe 10 years I had spent substantial chunks of time and money purely on trying not to feel horrible. Sometimes it worked but it felt like each successive blow put me down farther. One day I heard myself thinking, "If the rest of my life is going to be like this, why bother?"
That scared hell out of me. I wasn't suicidal, never have been as far as I can recall, but I think it's possible to die out of sheer lack of will to live. And I think I was getting there.
So, I pretty much threw away almost everything I'd been doing. Anything that scared me even a little I stopped. That led to some upsetting behavior.
For example, I found that while most of my phone calls and emails were neutral or good, the 1 in 10 that resulted in even a hangnail level of discomfort could put me in bed for days. I stopped answering phone calls or checking email unless I was sure I was strong enough to deal with an ordinary bad thing. There were months in a row where I did neither of those things.
Someday maybe I'll try to put together a time line on what I did (and most didn't) do. This phase lasted at least a couple years. I don't remember it all that well.
But I do remember the day I was taking a walk, saw some daffodils coming up, and realized I had gotten through a winter without a major depressive episode. First time in at least 10 years, probably longer.
I sat down on a parking strip and sobbed with relief.
I'm not out of danger. I think I never will be. I don't know who I am or what I can mean to other people. But I think I'm getting to where I can work on those things again.
We'll see. :-S
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Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
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2:26 am - Puts Head Firmly Into Sand
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I've been having an exchange with the IRS concerning my 2006 taxes. A half dozen letters and phone calls later, the light finally dawns. I consolidated a couple IRA's that year, and the money looks like a distribution to them.
Sigh. I hate this sort of stuff. Can't you guys just believe me?!
I have decided to put my head in the sand for exactly one week on this issue. Then I'll go to work on figuring out how to prove that money didn't get into my hot little hands.
current mood:  grumpy
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Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
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11:06 am - My Father's Ashes
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A small package from my sister arrived yesterday and is still sitting un-opened on the kitchen table. She emailed me that she was sending along a portion of Dad's portions, so I'm sure that's what it is.
I don't dream of Dad every night anymore but I think about him every day. I miss him, not painfully but as a gift in my life that no longer exists in the present but will live in me as long as I have a mind.
I will cry when I open that box. I think I'll wait for a time that feels right, make something of a ceremony out of it.
current mood:  contemplative
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Sunday, May 10th, 2009
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11:22 am - First Hummingbird Sighting!
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When I wake up, I like to take my first cup of coffee out to the front steps. This morning, a lovely little hummingbird popped up right in front of me, checked me out for sugar, found me wanting, and moved on.
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Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
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11:23 am - Impromptu Lilac Fest
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I have a lilac in my back yard that has been begging for a pruning for years. This year I "advertised" to people coming to a party, telling them they could take home a bouquet of lilacs. That motivated me to cut big chunks off the lilac bush, which I shoved into a garbage can prior to the party.
Initially, I didn't let anyone take lilacs through the house. I've lived with allergic people so I know that can be an act of cruelty. Towards the end of the party, I briefly stopped all conversations by loudly asking, "Is anyone here gonna get sick if I bring in lilacs?"
No objections. I spent the last hour of the party sitting on my kitchen floor, happily reducing semi-trees of lilac to bouquets. Handed out seven nice bundles of smelly stuff, and one scrawny bouquet when I ran out of good branches.
The kitchen smells wonderful today.
current mood: chipper
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Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
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12:37 pm - Clearing Out The Debris...
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When I found out my father was terminal, I started a massive "Get Rid Of It" project because I hoped to care for him in my home. That didn't work out, but the project continues. Amazing amounts of stuff have gone out the door in the last ten months. At one point, my "To The Dump" pile in the back yard got so big I actually paid a guy with a truck to come get it all.
I'm stuck on one category -- old computer books. The blasted things cost so much at the time and it looks like their best and highest use now is the recycle bin. Argh!!
Help! Tell me I have to throw them all away!
current mood: amused
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
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5:44 am - Wow!
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I walked to my polling place around 10 am. Halfway there I realized I was smiling.
Twelve hours later, I'm singing and dancing around my room while my cat looks perturbed.
Ten minutes later, Skippy is dancing also. I found Da Bird cat toy. :-)
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
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2:59 pm - Privatize Gains, Socialize Losses
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I'm been having a real pleasant and quiet time the past couple weeks.
Except when I read the financial news. Housing boom. Mortgage bust. Bailouts. How much of the bailout's weight gonna fall on those who profited most?! Or those who made the lending decisions?
I find lolcats are a decent remedy for the mistake of reading news. :-) Think I'll go check out http://icanhascheezburger.com/.
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Thursday, September 11th, 2008
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11:31 am
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Friday, August 29th, 2008
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1:49 pm - Feeling Quiet
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I've been wandering around my house doing small tasks, laundry and dishes and sweeping floors. Ruminating about my father, memories and thoughts. I cry a little, sigh a lot, and smile sometimes.
If anyone local would like to stop by my place Friday, I won't be chatty but it'd be nice to get hugs. I think I'll put Dad's favorite movie into the VCR at around 8pm. Independence Day. Portions of that movie are head-bangingly dumb, but it's a fun flick and Dad grinned watching it.
I also have a couple boxes of books that need new homes. Nothing related to recent life events, just culling.
Thanks again for all the kind words!
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Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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12:46 pm - Dad's Gone
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My father died 3:30am PST. I'm still thinking about taking a car trip, go to see Crater Lake at least. I'll wait a couple days, see what feels right to me. Thanks much to all of you for your kind words these past couple months.
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(23 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
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3:28 pm - Dad's Still Here
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My father is close to the end now. He is mostly sleep and doesn't talk much when he is awake. But he smiles when I tell him I love him.
Vonda burgled my home and left food in my fridge. Yum!
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Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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5:35 am - Dad's Decided
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Dad has decided to stop eating. No way to be sure how long he'll last. He's actually in decent shape, for an 85-year-old man with terminal cancer. I'd guess around a week.
When he's gone, I'll probably pack up my car and hit the road for a while. Crater Lake at least, maybe all the way to Zion National Park. That was the park he most wanted to visit again before he died.
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Thursday, August 14th, 2008
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7:00 pm - Dad's Weaker
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Dad had a stretch of doing pretty well and we took a couple trips. The nicest one was a drive out to the Olympic Penisula where he caught up with three groups of folks he has worked with often over the years.
Now, he's getting weaker. He is still comfortable and alert, but eats very little and sleeps a lot. The past two days every medical professional I've spoken to has asked how I'm doing. Sigh. Another bad sign, in a sweet way.
I'm struggling a bit. Had two days where I didn't eat much either and couldn't think of anything I wanted to do except go see Dad. I also find my mind switching over too often into how angry I am at some of my relatives.
I want Dad to be HERE!! In my home!! With 24/7 daughter-slave bringing him pet goodies and my cat sitting on his stomach!! In his own home would be even better, of course. Instead, he's in this place surrounded by strangers. It's a nice place and I like the staff, but I think his wife has released me from all remaining respect for her. Emotional blackmail on a dying man, telling him she can't care for him and she wouldn't visit him if I did it.
Well, most of the time thinking about that crap is just a way of deflecting myself from grief. I'm gonna miss that man so very very very very much. Crying is more useful to me, on the whole.
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
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6:23 pm - Learn Something New Every Day
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If you put a small steak into the broiler then get a distracting phone call, by the time the smoke alarm goes off and the flames die down, there is astonishingly little left.
current mood: surprised
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Saturday, July 19th, 2008
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6:49 pm - More About Dad
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Dad's in a place called Richmond Beach Rehab. It's pretty, clean, and I like the staff. He can walk short distances without assistance now and his mobility improves every day. I take him out on short trips almost daily and we're starting to think we might be able to do a longer trip soon. Maybe drive around the Olympic Peninsula or down to visit Crater Lake. Things can change very fast for folks with his problem but right now it's reasonable to hope he'll have at least weeks and maybe months of decent mobility.
(Edit afterward: I put in the lj-cut tag here but it isn't showing up. Drat!)
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Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
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12:32 am - Quick Update on Dad
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I just came back from visiting with Dad at the rehab place, and this seems to be going well. A lot of his tension faded when he saw how clean and pretty it is. I'm still nervous about the whole deal but relieved that he no longer looks so sad about it.
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
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8:33 am - Drat
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I basically moved into Dad and Barbara's place for the weekend of Fourth. Barbara said she started sleeping well right away and has been repeatedly grateful for my help, but still feels she needs to use the hospice "Five day Respite" program. Dad feels bad about this. He has said things like "She's my anchor and she wants me out of the house." Barbara seems to have trouble hearing his unhappiness as anything but lack of compassion for her feelings.
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